please treat with tongue in cheek!

Someone has glued my pack of cards together...I cannot deal with it!


Does anyone know what 'A.S.A.P' stands for? I need an answer as soon as possible!


Last week I went to the bank and asked a cashier to check my balance. She pushed me over


A random bloke came running up to me shouting ‘ big hole in the ground full of water, big hole in the ground full of water’ I think he means well


I have discovered the cheapest place for kids shoes is at the front of a bouncy castle!


Working as a lift engineer has its ups and downs


I used to work in a shoe recycling factory... It was 'sole' destroying!


I do not trust stairs. They are always up to something or very down to earth!


My wife left me... She said "I watch too much cricket!" It really has hit me for 6.


I heard that my local Tesco store was robbed by two people tonight. Apparently they stole fireworks! The local police had the cheek to let them off !!!


I recently heard that dentists' are going on strike next week... Brace yourself!


I hate people who use the same word twice in the same sentence... Enough is enough.


Man: Have you got a book about tortoises? Book seller: Hard back?


My former music teacher was arrested the other day. He was known for his Violins in the classroom!


Tesco (Coles) are giving away free stuff to anyone who can outrun the security guard!


Last night a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him...I was married now and that's where I sleep!


Does anybody remember that joke I told about a Chiropractor. It was about a 'week' back..


More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.


The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.


"The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.


No word in the English language rhymes with month.


Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump."


"Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand, "lollipop" with the right.


The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.


The words "racecar" and "kayak" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.


"Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters from only one row of the keyboard.


The are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: abstemious and facetious.


There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs six times: indivisibility.


The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."


A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.


On the other hand, you have different fingers.


I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.


42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.


I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?


Honk if you love peace and quiet.


Remember half the people you know are below average.


Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?


Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


He who laughs last thinks slowest.


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


I intend to live forever - so far so good.


Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?


Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.


The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.


Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.


If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.


Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.


No one is listening until you make a mistake.


Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.


The colder the x-ray table the more you body is required on it.


The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.


The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.


To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.


To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.


Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.


You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


Two wrongs are only the beginning.


The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.


The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Change is inevitable except from vending machines.


Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!


Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.


Always try to be modest and be proud of it!


If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!


How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...


Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.


If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.


He/she was so dumb... ..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.


..he sent me a fax with a stamp on it.


..she thought a quarterback was a refund.


..he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.


..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.


..he thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.


..she thought General Motors was in the army.


..he thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.


..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. .


.under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."


..he tripped over a cordless phone.


..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."


..he told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."


..he asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.


..she studied for a blood test.


..he thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."


..he sold the car for gas money!


..when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.


..when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," he turned around and went home.


..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. .


.he thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.


..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.


..he thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. .


.she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."





For those students that presented work on English we gathered a lot of useful reference information that became a STUDENT's COMPENDIUM here are some samples of student work

Please note there are some excellent links to assist with these pages

see at the end for the links for further information. 

Please note there are some excellent links to assist with these pages

see at the end for the links for further information. 

Applied Information Technology * AITStage1 * AITStage2 * AITStage3 * Cert II Business * Cert II Information Technology * Multimedia

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Page last updated 2nd March 2020