Life Skills

Sometimes you just need cheering up here are a few funnies and stories no offence intended!

More Nice thoughts

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.-- Albert Camus

If I had a star for every time your smile has cheered me up, I'd be holding the night sky in the palm of my hand


A friend is someone who knows all there is to know about you, and loves you anyway.


I guarantee we'll have tough times and I guarantee that at some point one or both of us will want to get out of this but I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine I'll regret it for the rest of my life because I know in my heart you're the only one for me.


The skies may fall,the stars may too,but in the end,I'll still love you


Don't know what I'd do without you don't know where I'd be your'e not just another boy..your'e everything to me


When I drop a tear into the ocean, the day I find it is the day I'll stop loving you


Everyone says you only fall in love once, but I don't agree, because everytime I hear your name I fall in love all over again


It hurts to breathe because everytime I do, I prove I can live without you

Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living then I see your smile and I know it is



Whenever I'm down, you always make me smile, Whenever I need someone to talk to, I know you'll talk for a while, Whenever I'm upset, I know you care cuz everytime I'm lonely, you always seem to be there.


I love your eyes and I love your smile; The way it makes me feel for just a little while, I love your style and all the things that you do...what can I say I guess that I love you.


If I could be an angel I'd make your every wish come true but I am only human, Just a girl who is loving you


*I* luv u alwayz these words r tru
*Sleep* is sweet when i dream of u


If he's the first thing you think of when you wake up, the only thing you think of when you're awake, and the last thing you think of before you go to bed then he's really something special.


Missing someone gets easier everyday, because even though its one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next time you will


"There is no greater happiness than having you...
and no greater bliss than sharing this life with you.
If I had one breath to spare...If I had just one moment to live...
I would be spending it with you." 


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I've always wanted a world of my own were I can do whatever I want, where I could live alone,

but then I found you, now I want to have world shared by us two, a paradise shared with you...



I never know what the future brings; But I know you are here with me now and we'll make it through and I hope you are the one I share my life with.


   If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.


Some love one, some love two. I love one, and that is you.


If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.


If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever


Silly one liners to cheer you up  



I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.


42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.


A robber stole my bathtub! Police said they probably wanted a clean getaway!


I couldn’t decide which of my two golf jumpers to wear... Until found a hole in one!


Whilst looking at my ceiling I thought to myself is this the best ceiling ever? it's certainly up there!


The local police have started cutting the grass near where I live. They’re doing a great job at keeping lawn in order.


Waiter: “How is the chicken sir?”

Me: “Not great... I think it might be dead!"


What do you call a woman on top of a house... Ruth!


My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out of the fridge... I can't stop, as I'll get cold turkey!


On the other hand, you have different fingers.


My wife left me for an electrician. It came as a bit of a shock


I have a whole bunch of dead batteries! If anyone want them, they’re free of charge!


I asked my only son Thomas, "have I been a good Father to you?"

He replied, "My name's Andrew"!


I am so upset that I misplaced my Dictionary... I am lost for words!


I think that men who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick...


I went to a cannibal restaurant last night... It was £50 a head.


I was really emotional at the petrol station today! Unsure why, I just started filling up.


There is a nudist convention on in town next week... I might go, if I have nothing on!


It is my wife's birthday tomorrow, she always wanted an Amulet... Can anyone tell me how many eggs I should use? (An amulet, also known as a good luck charm)


My new girlfriend is a identical twin... how do I tell them apart... Well my girlfriend has a beautiful figure and her brother has a beard and beer belly!

I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.


I am thinking of buying a help me drift off at night!


After managing to get a new perfume for my wife for Christmas. I'm unsure if she'll like it. As it's called 'Tester'!


I have been looking on the Weightwatchers website and it asked me to I accept all cookies before continuing... Is that a trick question?


If M&Ms go to university, do they become smarties?


I need advice on how I can stop my kitchen windows from steaming up! Feel free to pop round, my kettle is always on!


I noticed a sign on the train saying, "Please give this seat to an elderly person." I unscrewed it and took it to my grandma's house!


I applied for a job with Amazon , They told me the interview will be between 9am to 9pm!


I used to believe that there was an ocean of soda; but it was just a 'fanta sea'!

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What is it with people that will not embrace modern technology?

Answers on a postcard please.


I was looking for directions and noticed a man walking past me. I said "excuse me sir, how do I get to the Royal Albert Hall? He replied “Practice son, practice “!


Some people say I am a plagiarist..Their words, not mine!


I was stopped in the street by a police officer who asked me why was I carrying a 9ft book? I said, "it's a long story"!


Once upon a time I used to think I was a teapot...I know what you're thinking, 'pour' me!


I ate a kids meal in McDonald's this morning. His mum was furious.


I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong...I mean it's not rocket surgery!


I am going to buy the wife a fridge for Christmas. I cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it!


What do you call shoes made from bananas... Slippers


I recently joined a local plastic surgery group...Nice to see so many new faces!


I bought a cheap car last week that had a hole in the floor... I did not mind; as I only wanted something to run around in!


I get very annoyed when people mix up up there, they're and their... From now on I'm going to point it out, weather they like it or not!


Are Blazers smoking jackets that got out of control?


Someone stole my stack of comics... Marvel less!


A man from a gas company just knocked at my door, he was only 3 foot & 3 inches tall,

I said "who the hell are you?"

He said "I'm the meter man"!


Someone has glued my pack of cards together...I cannot deal with it!


Here is a question for all the mind reader’s out there...


What was the best thing before sliced bread?


It’s kind of funny how, as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking a nap and getting spanked!


Does anyone know what 'A.S.A.P' stands for?

I need an answer as soon as possible!


I have discovered the cheapest place for kids shoes is at the front of a bouncy castle!


I used to work in a shoe recycling factory... It was 'sole' destroying!


I do not trust stairs. They are always up to something or very down to earth!


Last night a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him...I was married now and that's where I sleep!


Tesco are giving away free stuff to anyone who can outrun the security guard!


Does anybody remember that joke I told about a Chiropractor. It was about a 'week' back...


I heard that my local Bunnings store was robbed by two people tonight. Apparently they stole fireworks! The local police had the cheek to let them off !!!


My wife left me... She said "I watch too much cricket!" It really has hit me for 6.


I recently heard that dentists' are going on strike next week... Brace yourself!


I hate people who use the same word twice in the same sentence... Enough is enough.


I used to a date a girl whose left eye was missing... She was a right looker!

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Do you hate it when you buy a bag of air and it's half full of potato chips?


I am so lazy, my childhood ambition was to be an injured footballer.


Such a tragedy when my girlfriend fell into the volcano. As she was the lava of my life!


My sister works for a gas company... Do you wanna meter?


My mate said I was not a true Cockney! So, I pushed him down the apples and oranges...


My Boss told me that if I can get through today without mentioning biscuits, he will give me £100……..Nice!


My daughter wants to marry the mailman... But I won’t letter!


I recently started a new job as a railway worker. I am waiting to be trained!


'Help' My wife left me because of my Beatles music obsession. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away!


After applying to emigrate to Spain the Spanish authorities asked me if I had a criminal record. I replied "I didn't realise you still needed one to enter the country"?


As I was looking out the window today. I noticed my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line! I was going to confront him but I got cold feet!


Today I was caught stealing a tennis racket... I now have a court date tomorrow..


I applied for a local job recently, at the interview the manager said the hourly rates started at $7.50 an hour, but goes up to $12.50 in six months. He asked "when can you start?" I replied "in about 6 months"!


I’ve decided to dress up as a different type of bread each day next week... Roll on Monday!


I fell asleep last night reading old magazines... I woke up this morning with back issues!


I have applied for a job at the mirror factory... I can really see myself working there!


Armed robbers raided a factory with glue guns... it was a sticky situation for the police!


I almost fell over a box of Gillette razors in a supermarket... That was a very close shave indeed!


I once worked as a waiter. The pay was not great; but it was they only way to put food on the table.


A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf


I used to have a bad wifi connection on the farm until I moved the router to the barn. Now I have a stable connection!


Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.


What do you call two birds in love?
Tweet hearts!


Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because her parents were in a jam.


A man was hit very hard on the head with a can of 7Up. He’s alright though, it was a soft drink.


I’m feeling quite confident about a recent job interview. The interviewer said they want somebody responsible. I replied

“Oh I’m totally your man,” I told them, “whatever problem came up at my last job, they always said I was responsible!

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“A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.”


My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.


Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.


Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.


I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door, Geh! Parents can be so rude.


99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be

misquoted, then used against you.


I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?


Honk if you love peace and quiet.


Remember half the people you know are below average.


Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?


Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


He who laughs last thinks slowest.


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the



I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


I intend to live forever - so far so good.


Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

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Quantum mechanics:  the dreams stuff is made of.


The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.


Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.


When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and

going the wrong way.


If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.


Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.


No one is listening until you make a mistake.


Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.


The colder the x-ray table the more you body is required on it.


The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of



The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to

reach it.


To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is


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To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your



Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.


You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


Two wrongs are only the beginning.


The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.


The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Change is inevitable except from vending machines.


Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!


Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.


Always try to be modest and be proud of it!


If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!


How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hand...


Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.


If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.


He/she was so dumb...


..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.


..he sent me a fax with a stamp on it.


..she thought a quarterback was a refund.


..he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.


..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.


..he thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.


..she thought General Motors was in the army.


..he thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.


..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.


..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On


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..he tripped over a cordless phone.


..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it

said "concentrate."


..he told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she

put "Sagittarius."


..he asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.


..she studied for a blood test.


..he thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."


..he sold the car for gas money!


..when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.


..when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport

Left," he turned around and went home.


..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she



..he thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.


..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.


..he thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.


..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for

"This Goes In Front."


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Life Skills 101

here are some documents to help get through life...

Also take a look at the Student Survival kit, if off to Uni or College

need more? Try the Student Compendium for a list of useful information

Life Skills 101 A document covering how to survive in the outside world
LFS100 The Boxes of Life Life moves through a series of changes we call these the boxes of life
LFS101 Avoiding Starvation Easy recipes
LFS102 Basic First Aid How to treat basic injuries
LFS103 Cigarettes or $10,000 How to become better off not smoking
LFS104 Having a booze up How to have a real drink without getting drunk!
LFS105 Your First Dinner Date Know your food and wines
LFS106 Mobile Phone Tricks Dial 112 in an emergency
LFS107 Tips about Airports and Flying Wear loose clothing and a scarf




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Just remember things could be worse

You wake up face down on the pavement,

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles,


You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any,

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday,

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realise that you don't have a waterbed,

Your car horn goes off accidentally and 'remains stuck as you follow a group of hell's angels on the freeway,


Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard,

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose,

You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business,

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax cheque bounces,

You put both contact lenses in the same eye,

Your pet rock snaps at you

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Conversation Starters


 some of the things you need to do is have starter lines they break the ice


so how did you two meet,

is this your first time at this event,

what was the best movie you ever saw

what was the worst movie you ever saw

which was your best ever birthday
where were you born

do you prefer old music to this modern music which era of music did you like the best.


avoid warning

Remember when greeting people from other countries the technique may be different to an English greeting,

When greeting someone new, always start with a firm handshake and say, "How do you do". This is not a question, therefore expect the same response back. Another appropriate greeting is to say, "Hello, I am __________. It's a pleasure to meet you."

The British place considerable value on punctuality, and you should aim to arrive at the exact time suggested or a few minutes early. If invited to a home for dinner, a gift for the host is considered respectful. This is usually flowers or chocolates.

I often avoid such openings as What's up? / What's new?

This is a common, informal way of say "hi" and "how are you." For "what's up?" - in pronunciation and informal spelling (for example in texting or an informal email between friends, you might hear/see: Sup / Whassup / Whazzup Common answers include:

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Not much.


Hey, what's up. (coming back at you)

I usually start with Hi, what do you know?


Yes, a bit spiky but it sets the trend that you wish to engage in conversation and avoid the negatives  like - Not much etc. 


Because after "not much" it would require another opening statement to continue a conversation so avoid what's up whenever you can, UNLESS you wish the exchange to be as short as possible. Other short starters include...


How's it going? / What's going on? / How's everything?


These can all be simple greetings or questions similar to "How are you?" Careful! Similar to the informal situations above, the answer to these questions should usually be a simple answer. Example answers include:


Good, you?


Fine, you?


Not bad








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Other helpful sites


Words to help you through life




Basic Files to help with life at University or College
Create Crossword  
Glossary for Exams Words used in Exam questions
Glossary Technology Exams Technical term IT Exams
Grammar and syntax  
How to answer Exam questions  
How to writes a resume Resume Basic
Job Application Notes Resume Executive
JOHN CLEESE on English  
Personality Test  
Table maze  
The Chinese New Year Game  
Things to do chart  


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how to


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Email Peter Faulks

Applied Information Technology * AITStage1 * AITStage2 * AITStage3 * Cert II Business * Cert II Information Technology * Multimedia

Subjects * Art * Computing * English * Geography * Hass * History * Mathematics

Miscellaneous * Acronyms * Accreditation * ICT_Homework * Naplan * Lessons * Quizzes * Relief Lessons * Proverbs * Sayings * Simile

Exams & Tests * Student Survival Kit * Web quests * Worksheets * Home Page * Peters Site * Soccer



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Page last updated 23rd April 2020

© Peter J Faulks